Five of the Biggest Dicks in Video Games

There are a lot of completely, utterly, irredeemable, giant dicks (and not the type of dick you’re thinking about you dirty, dirty person) in video games.

Whether they’re a really well-drawn antagonist or just a horrible, horrible person, they are the lovable idiots we love to hate and we can find at least one in any game, so here’s a few of the worst.

1. Sakon

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

His Crimes

Making his first appearance in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Sakon is a thief who prances about Hyrule Town spouting some nonsense about Alice in Wonderland. His true dickish nature blossoms in the game’s sequel. In Majora’s Mask, Sakon is a goddamn thief who has stolen a mask from one of the game’s most desperate, lonely, and tragic characters.

Kafei is a man trapped in a boy’s body. This second chance at youth might not sound too bad until you realize that he has a wedding coming up that will fulfill diffuse two warring families. Only after chasing Sakon to his goddamn mountain hideout and getting past a gauntlet of troublesome traps does he get the Sun Mask back and can be reunited with his soon-to-be wife before the end of the world! Did I mention Sakon also tries to steal your sword and also steals from old women? Yeah, he’s a dick.

The Punishment

Force Sakon to wear the All-Night Mask and have him sit through weeks of Anju’s grandmother’s stories. That’d serve him right and he’d wouldn’t even be able to steal a wink.

2. Liquid Metal Slime

Ahhhhhhhh! Get him!

Ahhhhhhhh! Get him!

Its Crimes

The Liquid Metal Slime is probably the most welcome sights in the entire Dragon Quest series and also the most elusive asshole you can possibly fight. With 7 – 25 HP and an average of about 2,000 defense, the Metababble, as it’s also known, gives the victor about 10,000 experience when defeated; however, they run at the drop of the hat.

There’s only one way to beat a Liquid Metal Slime, a critical hit. In Dragon Quest III and Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker, I spent hours trying to farm these guys for experience. The process became so frustrating that I ended up building entire teams built around getting critical hits to take them down on the first turn and even then they sometimes just run. It is, perhaps, the most heartbreaking thing to get a few hits in with your character and knowing that it’s about to run when the next round starts. The same could be said of regular Metal Slimes, but these guys take it to the next level of frustration.

The Punishment

Put a Liquid Metal Slime into the pocket of the Terminator T-800 as it lowers itself into molten lava at the end of Terminator 2. That’ll teach the sonnavabitch… but all of that experience.

3. Makaan

Goddamn his smarmy voice too!

Gods damn his smarmy voice too!

His Crimes

Ending an entire race. Yeah, that’s the goal of Makaan the leader of the Vagyr in Homeworld 2. In Homeworld 2, the Hiigarans are on a quest to unite three hyperspace cores that will bring about a new age of prosperity for the universe. Makaan systematically destroys Hiigaran outposts in an attempt to stifle their quest and that’s just the start. He has an entire line of ancestors who did the exact same to the Hiigarans in the previous game and who dogged them into near extinction after destroying their second homeworld. There’s even an intergalactic accord that should be preventing this from happening, but apparently he’s destroyed the entire council because they’re nowhere to be seen. He’s a relentless tyrant and dick.

I think the worst part of Makaan is that by the time he traverses Balcora Gate and is eventually destroyed by the player, he’s already set in motion a plan that will annihilate the entire population of Hiigara. Three huge missile platforms appear over the world and start sending nuclear devices toward the population. Anyway, if you’re a cool player you’ll manage to destroy all of the missiles before they hit the ground, but if you don’t say goodbye to millions of people as Makaan’s ghost laughs at you.

The Punishment

Put Makaan into a resource controller, probably one of the slowest ships in the game, and have it  plunge into the nearest sun. It would take forever to get there and he’d have a chance to think about his misanthropic ways.

4. Blowdart Sniper

Phut!

Phut!

Its Crimes

“Stop it! Stop it! Nooooooooooooooooo!” This is usually how things went in Dark Souls’s Blighttown where mutants rampage and the game’s framerate starts to hollow. Anyway, the Blowdart Snipers are one of the unique characters in the area and they fire these little itty bitty toxic darts that can kill you faster than a pack of wolves. And these dudes are everywhere! Seriously, they’re put in the worst places imaginable and they’re really hard to fight unless you have a bow. Sure, using a shield is effective enough to stop them from doing any real damage, but their darts are so small they’re hard to see.

There are a whole number of characters in the Souls games that suck, but I’ve never been more frustrated by these enemies. They’re also super creepy looking with a weird basket on their heads and who the hell uses blow darts as a weapon? Also, why the hell can’t I get blow darts as a weapon? They don’t even give you a lot of souls either making them one of the game’s most effort intensive nuisances.

The Punishment

They’re already super hollow, so that’s probably punishment enough.

5. Aloysius Minch

Abusive father and complete dickface.

Abusive father and complete dickface.

His Crimes

I think this quote shows why Aloysius is sucha dick:

By the way, I would be happy if you left sometime soon. I’m tired of your family living next door. We’ve loaned your father a lot of money. It may have been a hundred thousand dollars or more… Well, I guess it really could have been less, but because of the loan, my family and I now live in poverty!

Imagine telling this to a little kid? In Earthbound, Ness goes over to Pokey’s house and has a talk with his father who tells him about some loan his father owes to him. Aloysius then proceeds to beat the heck of his kids out of frustration. What’s worse is that near to the end of the game when Pokey uses an evil statue to get rich, the dad is the happiest he’s ever been living in the lap of luxury. After Pokey flees, Aloysius just sits in a bar and whines. He’s a dick and his son is a dick, so they’re just a huge family of dicks.

The Punishment

Ness is super rich by the end of the game. He should pay off his Dad’s loan and then proceed to use some serious psychic attacks.

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