Fear and loathing in Hogwarts, the wizard and witches’s guide to alcohol and drugs

Hey, you. Shhh, c’mere. You look like a Hogwarts student in need of something a little magical in your life ahaha, so why don’t you come into my store and check out my wares. You’re in Knockturn Alley after all, so best you duck in ‘ere before anyone decent sees ya.

Welcome, welcome to my fine establishment of alchemical delights! Come over by the counter, atta’boy.

So you’re a Ravenclaw, eh? Studying must be getting you down son, and I’ve got just the thing for ya in this little box. These little babies are called Magi-Me-More‘s and they’ll help ya concentrate on your exams, your studies, and practically anything. Got a spell ya can’t do? Pop a few of these and you’ll impress even old Flitwick, you will. ‘Ere, I’ll give ya a few free of charge if you tell your friends that I’ve got the stuff that’s better than regular ol’ snuff ehehehe.

What else ya lookin’ for? Hey, you’re a student, got a girl you’ve got your eye on? I know, I know, no one wants to go to the Yule Ball alone, believe me, I did. So why not take a whiff of this? Smell anything? Didn’t think so. That’s scent-free, diluted Amortentia or the world’s strongest Love Potion that is. One drop in her or his, depending on your preference, pumpkin juice and they’re yours for the taking! Just don’t use too much or you won’t be able to peel them offa ya, although that might be ideal hurhurhurhur.

‘Course you get caught doing that it’ll be a one-way ticket to Azkaban, but maybe you can say hi to some of me relatives, Ha!

The happiest place on Earth!

The happiest place on Earth!

Maybe you’re looking for a little life in your day, a little zip in your step, eh? And who couldn’t use a little sunshine in these dark times with You Know Who coming back, I ask. This little vial is filled with happy juice or as it’s also known, Euphoria Elixer. Maybe your day isn’t going your way or the old professor just gave you detention. One swig o’ this and you won’t even care, two swigs and it might kill ya… so don’t take too much.

Don’t be afraid all this is 100 per cent legal, see I even got a Ministry of Magic Seal of approval. Would you like a fish, you big lug? Yeah, you would! The Ministry’s gotten a bit…. literal recently, let’s just say Fudge’s little green hat might be a little tight.

But let’s not think that I’m squeezing ya for every last penny at this fine establishment, no sir. I’ve got the discount wheezes that would even make the Weasleys’ wheeze in disbelief.

Now this here is a vial of Felix Felicis, careful with this one lad. Liquid luck that is and heavily discounted too, see I found a little trick in making big batches of the stuff. The trick is to take a little swig and start making the potion yourself. That way you end up with a big batch o’ the stuff at the end of the day. ‘Course there were a few incidents… people seemed to be a little too lucky and a few wizards may have ended up in Muggle jail after going to one of ’em casinos.

It'll make you even luckier than the Chosen One, Ha!

It’ll make you even luckier than the Chosen One, Ha!

Actually, give that vial back, lad. Don’t want to go hurting my finest, new customer, would I? No, but I can tell you’re a young wizard of some class not wanting all of these concoctions to make you lucky. Maybe you’d like some finely brewed liquid luck from the back, eh?

Now this here is my fine brewing station! I’ve got the best bootleg brews you could ever imagine and all at steeply discounted prices, too! I’ve got the likes of Hogwarts professors buying from me stock, I have! It’s also been about 10 days since our last accident, the poor little House Elf sod never had a chance. You shoulda seen it…, well if you look up you still can, Ha!

Ok, so we’ve got your Butter Beer (24-pack at a steep discount to boot), we’ve got your Firewhisky, we’ve got mead that’ll knock out even a half-giant, Dragon Scale for your finer swaray-es (you know the saying it starts out tasting like dragon piss and it ends up tasting like… worse dragon piss), we had a stock of Sherry, but we’re all out…, Berry Ocky Rot, Daisyroot Draught, Bin Juice, Bettle Berry Whisky, Turnip Wine, and Superior Red.

So, pick yer poison and I’ve got ya covered. We also deliver by owl, but can’t say we can guarantee that the bottle’ll survive the fall once the little feathered idiots drop it off. ‘Course no one wants to be caught with alcohol in their possession during class, but hey this is Diagon Alley! I got a million solutions for your everyday troubles.

I know a guy in China who specializes in catching Demiguises. Now if you know what a Demiguise is and since you’re a bleedin’ smart Ravenclaw I’ll assume that you do… you know their hair is used to make invisibility cloaks. Really, really, really rare stuff, lad. Now I’ve got this right here, c’mere get a little closer or you’ll miss the magic. It’s my very own Invisible Beer Snuggie ©.

Slippery little devils, Demiguses.

Slippery little devils, Demiguses.

Now all you’ve got to do is take the snuggie, drape it over the bottle o’ beer, and like magic you’ve got yourself an invisible bottle o’ beer. You can drink it in class, you can drink it in the library, you can impress your friends. The possibilities are endless with this kinda stuff. Well, maybe it’s not the best use of the Demiguise hair, but it takes about 80 o’ the little creatures to make even a sock, so there you go.

Ok, ok, let’s get back to the front of the shop, I’ve got something special I’d like to offer ya today. Now this is going to knock your socks off.

Do you like pranks? Like causing a little chaos? Aha, then you’re in the right place, lad. While the Weasleys got themselves some tame tricks up their sleeves, I’ve got the real deal right here. Now this, my lad, is a solution of Veritaserum and Babbling Beverage. Want to embarrass a friend? Make them spill their guts to the whole school? This’ll do ya, this will!

Hm, what else we got… oh, yes! Now you’ve got your own cauldron, do ya? Well, look no further then this Rare Ingredient Pack we got right here in the shop! Came right in from Hong Kong just the other day and I’ve gotta say it’s got some stuff in ‘ere you’d be pressed to find anywhere else, even ‘Ogwarts!

We got yer Lacewing Fly (no need to catch them this time!), Jewellweed, Bouncing Spider Juice, Rose thorn, Pickled Slugs, Deep Fried Slugs, Salted Slugs, Disco Slugs, and regular ol’ slugs, Goosegrass, Blowfly, human bones, Erumpent tail, and looks like a little phial of Unicorn Blood. All for just one Galleon, ‘course no refunds in case of accidental exposure to the afterlife hurhurhur.

With all that in yer pack, you’d have a first-class brewing cauldron of yer own, not even the Magical Managerie has these ingredients on sale, so you could say we’ve got the market cornered, we do. With a little bit of this and a little bit of that you could be on your way to making your own potions, but don’t try to undersell me, boy or I’ll gut ya, ahahahaha.


Ok, what else do we got? Oh hohohoho, now this is something you’re definitely going to take a fancy to. A few weeks ago, this Slytherin student comes sauntering in here. Greasy hair, sleazy expression, just my kind of customer, I thought. Now he brought me in this special little knife. Now he says it came from the Notorious Sirius Black, bull! Do you see any initials on this? I don’t, so I offered him a few sickles for it. Now this is the real magic of the little knife. It can open any lock!

Now, say you’ve got a test comin’ up, but the test answers are under lock and key in the professors office? Now this little bugger’s smart enough to use a magic lock and not even Alohomora is opening it. Just shimming the blade into the keyhole, twist, and voila! You got yerself an open drawer. Now if you get this, I’ll throw in something else to help you on little adventures.


Well thank you, young sir, for yer patronage! If there’s anything you ever need or got anything you’d like ta sell, just send me an owl and I promise I’ll keep the cat away from it, Ha!

Also if you happen to see a wizard wearing blue outside, give me a little wave through the window, would ya? Let’s just say we’ve got a Vanishing Cabinet in this place for a reason, hurhurhur.

Thanks for ya business and take care, ya hear! We got a lot of repeat customers ‘ere and we’re always happy to help!


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