If you’ve turned on your television in the last few days, you’ve seen two things: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford saying ridiculous things and Toronto’s media repeating them.

After watching a segment of The Agenda with Steve Paikin last night on Rob Ford and Ford Nation, I can even tell how divided his main supporters are when it comes his personal conduct and how, for even the most diehard supporter, patience is wearing thin.

Not Safe For Work! Oh, man. You’ve got to admit – his politics aside – that kind of language is pretty out of line, but if there was a Rob Ford movie what actor could pull off this kind of insanity?

So who could play Rob Ford if a filmmaker decides to retell this debacle?

John Candy

Canadian actor, heavy-set, great personality, plays down-on-their-luck characters, John Candy would be great choice to play the role of Rob Ford… except he died in 1994.

As a Second City alumni, Newmarket-born Candy found himself an instant hit with Canadians for his rolls on SCTV and Second City Television. A little later in his career, he also starred in a number of films like Spaceballs, Uncle Buck, Cool Runnings, and Home Alone. With his range of comedy mixed with serious drama, he’d perfectly be able to capture Ford’s mercurial states.

John Goodman

Well, maybe not The Big Lebowski Goodman, but maybe more like Emperor’s New Groove Goodman mixed with Sully from Monsters Incorporated… it’s hard to pin down exactly why he’d be good.

In O Brother Where Art Thou, Goodman played Big Dan Teague. This character was absolutely insane and also encapsulates the evil side of Rob Ford seen in behind-the-scenes videos that seem to leak onto the Internet like my lack of confidence in this article. With Goodman’s combination of strong acting skills and ability to play complex characters, he could play the part pretty well.

Zach Galifianakis

He’d have to shave. Galifinakis has certain characters he plays in his comedy and in his appearances in film. They’re usually off-kilter, slightly crazy characters who have a deeper reason behind their odd sense of humour.

In a new comedy called It’s Kind of a Funny Story, and here’s an excerpt from a Salon article that shows his range as an actor:

“We were excited to find out what Zach could do with this kind of role,” Anna Boden told me in Toronto. “I think we had a pretty good idea that he’d be able to pull it off after meeting with him and seeing, first of all, how down he was to try something different and, second of all, how grounded and warm and kind and charming a person he is. He ended up really knocking it out of the park, and doing things that went beyond our expectations. Every day, we were excited to see what he was doing on the set, with the dramatic elements as well as the comedic ones.”

Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Big Lebowski again?! Now, Philip Seymour Hoffman, dramatic and character actor extraordinaire, would be able to play  post-crisis Rob Ford. If the media keeps up the pressure and the other city councilors keep insisting he leave taking away his powers, Ford is going to crack and Hoffman is damn good at that.

Over his career, Hoffman has played all kinds of interesting characters from Truman Capote to Lancaster Dodd in The Master. In other words, Hoffman could easily play a person like Ford who has more ups and downs in terms of personality and conduct than almost any other person currently under the microscope of the media.

Sam Douglas

Sam Douglas who played detective Scott Shelby in Heavy Rain has proven himself an able actor in the virtual world and the real world.

Douglas doesn’t have the same repertoire as the other actors in this list, but he does have a good heaping helping of acting ability. In a role, which I won’t mention since it’s a spoiler, he’s practically insane giving him the ability to act as a modestly normal individual and also ramp up to being totally bat-shit nuts. He’d be a good choice.

***

Hey, serious omake here.

With the way things are going, Rob Ford is about to snap. Give him a few more days in the spotlight or a few more chances to stumble over his words, and something bad will happen to him. If that happens, Hollywood will be telling a much darker tale than what most of these actors on the list above will be able to muster.

All I’m saying is that I’m scared for Rob Ford. This is me being as serious as I possibly can be and this doesn’t happen too often in my blog so it’s a bit weird. With the combination of substance abuse, the media spotlight, pressure from all sides, and maybe even the possibility of being connected to Project Traveller… things could go to hell in a hand basket quickly for Ford.

Ford’s feet need to be held to the fire and it is journalism’s responsibility to ensure people who are in positions of power are held accountable for their actions through objective reporting of the facts. We just don’t want things to end up like this.

If Ford is smart, he’ll step down right now and maybe even get a reality television show out it.