Shhhhh, I stole David Lynch’s Twin Peaks script

I managed to sneak into the studio where they’re filming the new season of Twin Peaks and I’m writing this from inside of Kyle Maclachlan’s dressing room closet. He looks great, by the way.

You wouldn’t believe the stuff they’re trying to do in this new season of the show! Plot twists, big reveals, returning characters, backwards forwards talking all the time, a planned VHS release, and more.

There’s also some disappointing stuff too like a deliberate lack of loose ends being tied and also not enough David Duchovny!

Anyway, I’ve got to get writing again there’s not much time before Lynch discovers one of his scripts has been taken from his safe! Here’s the scoop on David Lynch bringing back Coop!

Right on.

Right on.

***

Dale Cooper returns to reality

It’s 25 years after the incident in the Black Lodge. Dale Cooper is in Seattle living in a government subsidized live-in care facility. He’s a little older, a little grayer, and his mind simply isn’t what it used to be. Something broke when he ventured into the dark recesses of BOB’s domain and now he’s a shell of who he once was. Until…

Back in Twin Peaks, something strange is in the air. Old faces are starting to return to the strange town in the Western United States as if they’re being called back. Entangled in the incidents that took place 25 years ago, the people of Twin Peaks are all connected in a web of fate.

Pete Martell is still his old, curmudgeony self and is wandering down by the water. He remembers the time he found young Laura Palmer wrapped on plastic on the beach, murdered by her psychopathic father. What a year. It was around that time the mill burned down too, but like always he managed to get back on his feet and move on with life even if his wife, Catherine Martell, disappeared after Andrew’s (second) death at the Twin Peaks bank explosion.

How the hell Pete managed to survive it, who knows.

Pete readies his fishing line and tosses it into the placid water before him. The fish don’t bite like they used to. Suddenly, Pete’s caught onto something. It’s like a tonne of bricks, but it ain’t pulling like some of the big fish in the water here. Bubbles start flooding up from the lake, something at the bottom just dislodged, and whatever he’s hooked is coming up to the surface. It’s something, wrapped in plastic. Pete knows all too well what he’s got to do.

Back in Seattle, Gordon Cole decides to visit his old friend Coop. Although the hearing aid technology has improved, he’s still as loud as ever although his voice never seems to reach Coop’s brain. But there’s another reason he’s gone to see him today, another murder victim has been found in Twin Peaks. Although he’s a bit scattered, Coop is still the leading expert on the events that took place in the town and Cole goes into full details about what’s been found.

Audrey Horne, who went missing almost 25 years ago after she was reportedly involved in the bombing at the town bank, somehow ended up at the bottom of the lake with a number stuck under a fingernail. A new clue in the saga that began almost 25 years ago and that everyone thought had ended. Gordon’s already taken a trip down to the sleepy town to scope out the case. As he leaves Coop, Gordon accidentally drops a little packet of gum on the floor.

Dale Cooper picks it up, pockets it, and returns to his room. He picks out a piece and chews it. He goes to bed that night and wakes up in front of Laura Palmer. A vision, a dream. He remembers this place. Suddenly, a much younger version of himself drifts through the curtains and sits down beside Laura. “Time to wake up,” he says.

Cooper wakes up in his room. As if suffering from amnesia all these years, he’s back to being himself and picks up the phone. Gordon Cole picks up. “I know who murdered Audrey Horne,” Coop says. He gets changed into his signature black suit and walks out of the home. It’s time to go back to Twin Peaks.

***

And that’s how Lynch has set up the start of the new season. While Dale Cooper has been out of action for years, the FBI has kept an eye on the goings on in Twin Peaks. The disappearances of the young women, the supernatural occurrences, and the downright spooky tests conducted by a once secret government organization has people like Gordon Cole worried, but interested in the future of the small town.

Cooper’s mind being out of action for all these years was explained away by a severe psychological break he suffered during his investigation in Twin Peaks. Maybe it was the stress, maybe it was Annie’s kidnapping, or maybe it was confronting his old partner, but something in him snapped. Now that he’s back, Cooper is going back to Twin Peaks to reopen the case. He knew Audrey Horne and for a while helped in the investigation of the Twin Peaks bank bombing.

When Cooper returns he’s greeted by some of the old faces he knows so well and although many characters return, some do not.

Lighting Spoiler Attack

  • Audrey Horne: Deceased. Handcuffed to the bars just outside of the explosion at the Twin Peaks bank, Audrey Horne didn’t have a chance at surviving – although Pete Martell somehow managed to escape unscathed. Only minutes after the incident, Harry Truman and the rest of the Twin Peaks police force were on the scene. They found Audrey still handcuffed to the bars. Soon after her body was brought in for examination, her remains disappeared. It remains one of the many mysteries of Twin Peaks, but she’s finally been found and there are signs of struggle suggesting that the presumed deceased Audrey was still alive when taken from their custody.
  • Ben Horne: After Audrey’s death, Ben Horne recessed back into his neurotic ways. This time without the Civil War fantasy to fall back onto, Horne simply caved in on himself. Without Audrey, he had no legacy, no one to help keep the family business running unless he counts Donna Hayward, his secret daughter. Accused of stealing away Audrey’s body from the police morgue, Horne was carefully watched by the police. Eventually his brother, Jerry Horne, took over the business and helped bring to fruition – after a considerable number of missteps – a conservation plan that would seal off part of Twin Peaks from Catherine Martel’s bid for its lumber. Ben Horne was never the same after Audrey’s death and lives inside one of the hotel’s suites.
  • Bobby Briggs: After the miraculous return of his father from the grasps of Windom Earle, Bobby Briggs had a moment of clarity. He was an asshole. Sure enough, he realized that the way he acted towards Shelly, towards his father, towards his mother, and towards his friends had made him into the kind of man he never wanted to be. It was no wonder Shelly had said no to his marriage proposal. If that wasn’t enough, Garland Briggs, his father, died while leading police to Windom Earle’s cabin. Cleaning up his act, Bobby graduated high school and left Twin Peaks to attend the Foster School of Business at Washington University. A few years after graduating, he was working at an investment firm as a medium-powered executive, but the wild side of Bobby Briggs didn’t like being held down. Giving up his job a few years later, he used what cash he had left to chase a dream inspired by the Meals on Wheels program. The Double R Roadster Mobile Diner became one of the first big food truck services in Seattle and continues to exist to this day with Bobby behind the wheel. A little older and a lot more humble, he returns to Twin Peaks with a franchise to open.
  • Leo Johnson: Deceased. Escaping from Windom Earle’s cabin, Leo Johnson ran. Covered in venomous spider bites, Leo’s time was slowly dwindling away, but he was running towards Shelly Johnson, his wife. Leo’s time with Windom had shown him true insanity. Leo was found shortly after the kidnapping of Annie Blackburn only a few miles away from The Great Northern Hotel. With the help of Garland Briggs and following Leo’s trail, they were able to find Windom’s cabin and the secrets that laid hidden inside. Leo was buried in the Twin Peaks Cemetary. Shelly did not attend the burial.
  • Shelly Johnson: After rejecting Bobby Briggs, Shelly decided to leave Twin Peaks. Moving to Seattle, she began working at a small cafe not unlike the Double R Diner. While in Seattle, she also attended night classes for creative writing. It was a Thursday three years after she left Twin Peaks that a familiar face walked into the diner. Gordon Cole, Dale Cooper’s supervisor, walked into the diner and was for the first time in years able to talk at a stable monotone. Hearing about her life after Twin Peaks and the courses she was taking, Cole hooked her up with a friend of his in publishing. Two years later, Shelly was on the front cover of the Washington Post holding the first printing of her book, “Cherry Pie, Anyone?”. A fictional tale of a young woman living in small town USA, it’s the story of how the battered woman was able to escape her husband and strike out on her own into the world. Shelly would keep writing and tour across the United States with her books. However, with her popularity as an author in decline, but having found work as an editor at a prominent publishing company, she takes one last swing at writing. On her last tour, she decides it’s time to go back to Twin Peaks and confront the town.
  • Harry S. Truman: After bringing Dale Cooper back to The Great Northern, Twin Peak’s sheriff Harry S. Truman decided it was time for a long vacation away from the little town. Never venturing outside of the town before, he along with Tommy “Hawk” Hill went South of the border into Mexico for a few months. The municipality of Twin Peaks understood what the sheriff and his staff had been through over the last year and granted him some time away from the force. Returning to Twin Peaks a little more tan than before, he put into motion a plan to expand the Twin Peak’s police department and modernize the force. His experiences with Albert Rosenfield had shown him that his department was about as archaic as the Bookhouse Boys, an organization that still thrives to this day. In the wake of the bombing at the Twin Peaks bank and the disappearances of Audrey Horne and Annie Blackburn, he bolstered the police force and put in place a rigorous system for protecting the young women of the town. Creating a stronger police presence also presented its problems with the Bookhouse Boys having to play a smaller role in their militia-like function becoming a behind-the-scenes enforcer against some of the town’s harder criminal elements. Close to retirement, Truman never married unable to move on from the loss of Josie Packard and he’s the first one on the scene when Audrey Horne’s remains are found.
  • Garland Briggs: Deceased. Barely recovering from his time at the White Lodge, Colonel Garland Briggs was kidnapped by deranged former FBI agent Windom Earle. Escaping with the help of Leo Johnson, Garland stumbled through the woods until he was found by Tommy “Hawk” Hill, one of the police officers of Twin Peaks. Taken to The Great Northern Hotel, he was almost able to warn everyone about the kidnapping that was about to occur at the Miss Twin Peaks Pageant. After the disappearance of Annie Blackburn, he insisted on helping lead police to Windom Earle’s cabin, but along the way he succumbed to his injuries. He was buried in the Twin Peaks cemetery. He never told anyone about his experiences in the White Lodge or the importance of the symbols burned into his neck.
  • Andy Brennan and Lucy Moran: After choosing Andy as her baby’s father, Lucy gave birth a few months later to a young baby boy. Slowly, but surely Andy got used to the idea of being a father. Andy and Lucy were married one year later after their son had been born with all of Twin Peaks there to wish them well. It wasn’t Andy’s baby. Slowly, but surely the features of Richard Tremayne would start to surface on little Andrew Brennan Jr., but Andy never seemed to notice. Lucy did. An experiment in nature versus nurture, Andy and Andrew butt heads as most fathers and sons do. However, Lucy is always there to help them cool off. Lucy is still working at the sheriff’s office as secretary, but is unwilling to adapt to new technology. Andy works in the sheriff department’s community outreach office. Andrew Brennan Jr. just turned 16 and has found a job at Sears (formerly Horne’s Department store) working in the men’s fashion department alongside Richard Tremayne.
  • Toad: Deceased. Died of a heart attack inside of his home nine years after the incidents involving Laura Palmer. Although he appeared to all the world as a ne’er-do-well, Toad played a large role on the Twin Peaks school board as a liaison for the Twin Peaks parents association. Having spent a number of years as a postman in Twin Peaks, Toad had met practically everyone in the small town and had built strong relationships with them as a result. He quit his job at the local post office in the wake of an injury sustained by his son during a football practice at Twin Peaks High School in order to stay by his side. Suffice to say, the local insurance man was unable to provide the funds necessary to allow Toad to properly care for his son. Taking on the High School in a legal battle, Toad was able to secure the funds necessary to help his son make a full recovery, but he continue to advocate on the behalf of the students’ families. In the wake of the disappearance of Laura Palmer, Toad was busier than ever only able to find free time to visit the Double R Diner on his lunch or after work. He had known owner Norma Jennings since high school and earned his nickname from the belching contests they used to have. Toad was buried in Twin Peaks cemetery, but his legacy lives on in his son who continues his father’s work in advocating for the safety and well being of Twin Peaks’s students.
  • Dr. Lawrence Jacoby: Broken by death of Laura Palmer, Dr. Lawrence Jacoby decided it might be best to leave his practice. He never really cared about his patients, yet Laura changed all of that giving him a case so complex and compelling he had to help solve it. Speaking to the police soon after the death of Audrey Horne, Jacoby decided it was finally time to give it up and move to Hawaii, full time. He left Twin Peaks, but even after hearing and feeling the call to return, he just turns up the music, downs some tequila, and sits on the beach.
  • Donna Hayward: After learning the truth about her mother, Eileen Hayward, and Benjamin Horne, Donna spends her final two years of high school feeling extremely conflicted. The events at the pageant, the bombing, James leaving Twin Peaks to see the world, and the realization her father really isn’t her father are all too much, so she thrusts herself back into the here and now of her life. Graduating from high school, Donna takes some inspiration from James and decides to travel the world. While her parents are a little hesitant to let her go, Donna explains to them why she needs to leave Twin Peaks and that she’ll return after gaining some perspective on her life in the small town. Travelling the world, Donna devotes most of her initial time away tracing James’ steps. After unsuccessfully being able to find him, she decides to strike out overseas using what little money she has left to board a plane for South East Asia. Spending a few years travelling around Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, the Philippines, and other countries in the area, she learns a little more about the world outside of Twin Peaks. Working with several Non-Government Organizations, she’s also become a humanitarian and when she returns to Twin Peaks, she devotes her life to helping the kids of the town get out of the city. Attending medical school in the footsteps of her father, Donna ends up becoming one of the town’s many physicians. She also gets married, but not to James who never returned to Twin Peaks. She still smokes.
  • Doc and Eileen Hayward: Doc is 89-years-old now, Eileen a few years younger. Doc still runs his small clinic in town, but alongside his daughter who returned to Twin Peaks after several years of travelling. Doc continues to work with the sheriff department as the lead coroner, but every year he gets closer and closer to actually retiring. Although the secret of Donna’s real father was revealed, Doc and Eileen Hayward’s love for one another never faltered. It was traumatic and for a while made their home an icy place to live, but slowly things went back to normal. Doc and Eileen are able to be a bit more open with Donna now about their past. Eileen had been one of Benjamin Horne’s lovers in the past. Unable to escape from him in the small town and even after marrying Doc, she found herself constantly confronted by her past. Donna is the result of a meeting where Benjamin went too far. Doc knew, but believing he could help raise a child to be better than the monstrous Horne, he stayed with Eileen to help her through the trauma and raise the child together. Eileen is still alive, although still wheelchair bound.
  • Albert Rosenfield: Still one of the FBI’s best forensic specialists, Albert Rosenfield worked night and day to uncover the secrets left by Dale Cooper’s former partner, Windom Earle. Not a man to be swayed by the supernatural, Rosenfield followed every lead left by the psychotic murderer and reached dead end after dead end. No one could explain where Dale had gone all those hours in the woods or if this entire case had anything to do with the other Blue Rose Case investigations Dale Cooper had lead in his earlier years. It’s a puzzle for Albert, but he never gave up on Coop and stayed with him from his years in the psyche ward to his days in the home. When Albert hears Cooper has “woken” up, he’s the first one there on the scene and only too happy to go on a road trip down memory lane to Twin Peaks.

The Plot

In a nutshell, the plot of the new season is about unraveling the secrets of the Black Lodge. Over the last 25 years, Dale Cooper’s mind has been trapped within a prison created inside and only when he breaks out is he able to bring a true understanding of the mystic nature of Twin Peaks to his investigation.

Cooper has always been someone who believed in the super natural, but at his core he always remained someone whose detective skills were anchored to the realities of science and reason. He returns to Twin Peaks a little older and a lot wiser, but also suffering from the inherent difficulties of being touched by something he simply cannot understand.

The main drive of the show is the discovery of Audrey Horne’s body. Dale Cooper has to confront her death knowing he could have helped prevent it had he not failed to escape the Black Lodge. For the first few episodes, we see how much his time imprisoned in the alternate dimension has affected him.

I'm super dead, guys.

I’m super dead, guys.

Cooper sees visions of Bob and his doppelganger constantly, and has to use anti-psychotics to prevent nervous breakdowns. Being back in Twin Peaks is also a huge trigger for him, but friendly faces help him to bring back the FBI Special Agent.

And yet, somewhere out there a perp is committing a series of copycat murders just like the ones perpetrated by Leland Palmer 25 years ago. Dale is faced with the super natural, drug smuggling, Internet hackers leaking information, a cabal of killer high schoolers, and the spirits of the Black Lodge being somewhere in the mix causing all of the horrors the town is about to face.

Throughout the season, we also get to see a few loose ends tied up. Donna Hayward returns to Twin Peaks and settles her differences with Benjamin Horne. Shelly Johnson is finally able to put to rest the hatred she has for her dead husband and meets up with a much more mature Bobby Briggs. We see that Big Ed and Norma Jennings have gotten married, Nadine Hurley having died in a second drug overdose years ago. We also see Andy Brennan and Lucy Moran with their teenage son, and the complications that come with him looking a little too much like Lucy’s former lover.

However, what isn’t settled are the details like: the mysterious circumstances of Josie Packard’s death, what really happened to Windom Earle, and Annie Blackburn has gone missing and doesn’t return for the whole season. There is a lot left to be covered, but not all loose ends should be tied up in neat little bows.

There’s a lot to be excited for, but be prepared for more cliffhangers and some surprise guests.

***

I don’t have much time, I can hear David starting to scream at people in the hallway. Funny, he actually sounds exactly like Gordon Cole when he’s angry and ironically now he has to use a hearing aid.

If I escape, I can only hope I’ll get home on time to catch the first episodes of the Twin Peaks revival. If I get caught, well that’ll be the end of this website.

Wish me luck!

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2 thoughts on “Shhhhh, I stole David Lynch’s Twin Peaks script

  1. I’ve never read a more obviously fake crock of shit in my life. Thank God this is not how the revival has actually turned out.

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